Transfer #12 from Blogspot

Today I bought Myself Tulips


For some odd reason, for most of my life, I had a very specific vision of what 'grown up' would look like.  Perhaps more importantly, I had a very specific vision of what 'grown up and happy'  would look like, and it would look like this:

A woman, alone, strolling in a shop with a basket, buying herself some flowers and nice food.

I sound like a crack addict, I know.

But when I pictured grown up happiness, this is what occurred to me.  Not holding a baby or staying in bed late in the morning with a man I loved or receiving some stellar promotion from work.  I imagine I read this scene in a book somewhere at  a young age, as most of the impressions I gleaned came (and still come) from books.  Just last night I was reading Terms of Endearment and wishing for an instant I was Emma, living in an above-the-garage apartment,  eating an omelette and listening to the rain.  That's what good books do, I think – they make you want to lose yourself.

But back to the point.  Today I had to wake up obscenely early (I know! On a Saturday!) for work.  On the way home, after a morning of listening to physicians wax poetic about colon polyps and gastrointestinal distress,  I decided to stop by the market for a few things.  There really wasn't anything I particularly needed, today, but the sun was shining and the sky was blue and I wasn't quite ready to go home and face the computer.  So I stopped at a shop and I bought some lovely, unnecessary food, some hearts of palm, a can of artichokes, a new Cuban marinade, a hunk of brie, a bottle of shiraz, guacamole, and fresh spinach.  Whatever caught my eye.  (Don't ask me how I'm going to put all of that random food together – I don't quite know.  Recipes welcome)  And there were tulips on sale for four dollars a bunch, and I so I grabbed a bouquet of white tulips as well.

As I walked to my car, I realized that, today, I walked alone in a market, and bought some lovely food, and bought myself some flowers.  And for whatever strange reason, it made me really, really happy.  Now the tuplips are in my favorite glass pitcher on my kitchen table and every time I look at them a little pulse of joy beats within me.

I should not be made so easily happy by a thing, a material thing, and I know that my money could have been much more well-spent.  But today for the first time in my entire adult life, I walked alone in a market and bought myself some flowers, and for whatever odd reason this makes my cup overfloweth, it makes me happy simply to be alive.

I've spent several hours now with my manuscript (I know – enough already. I am so over it, too) and have plans with batgirl soon, for sushi and cocktails.  Although I already showered today I feel the need to do so again,which is something I always do after writing, before heading onto the next thing.  It's nearly compulsive…I simply can't slip into another mode until I've washed the words off and out of me.  I guess this is a fortunate quirk in my character, though – Susan Sontag once didn't shower for three weeks when working on Regarding the Pain of Others.   A writer I once knew kept a picture of Sontag, all straggle-haired and baggy-eyed, on her desk, as a reminder to leave the vortex and meet people, clean up, be social.

As a writer who extraneously buys gourmet vegetables and flowers, and makes plans for sushi, I doubt myself capable of that kind of total immersion.   And right now, with the tulips opening slowly and the sky turning to a weak rose light, the air the color of scotch and me with plans for the night, it's really hard to mind.  It's one of those rare days that come along where I am entirely happy just to be me.

This entry was posted in The Private, Time for a Hundred Visions and Revisions. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Transfer #12 from Blogspot

  1. shelly says:

    i love that bedroom furniture!

  2. This is very nice and informative post. I have bookmarked your site in order to find out your post in the future.

  3. My Home says:

    Thanks for sharing this information. Really is pack with new knowledge. Keep them coming.

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