I thought it might be fun today to excerpt some sections from my graduate school journal(s) from the first time I moved to Pittsburgh. I moved here the first time in 2002, when I was 25. I wrote these journals before I began blogging and there is definitely an improved level of engagement in terms of thoughts, sketches, notes, half-written poems…I still write in a journal regularly but not in such a sustained manner. I don’t worry about this…blogging fits me for now. Okay. So. Diary Friday.
I really enjoyed hearing the poets read last night. I so wish I could write poetry but I suck at it.
It’s strange to finally find my vocation [I thought I would be a writer and professor, note] and a city I belong to. I spent so many years [ha ha – three years, I spent three years] wondering and waffling [oh. okay. maybe more like ten years, then] and now I’m cemented and certain. I am positive there there is nothing better than working with the English language, nothing more rewarding than one well-written sentence, nothing better than listening to a pleasing poem or reading a great short story. There is nothing better than being in a place where I am encouraged, mentored and happy.
I never want to leave Pittsburgh!
Must have been a good writing day. Ah, so. Here we go. March, 2003, Reality must have set in…
March 3, 2003
…I’ve been acting like the kind of person I don’t like. I’ve been so involved in school and the drama of the program that I forgot why I am here…to write! The past few weeks I let drama rule my life [you know, like drama can] for instance, the whole JS/JC fiasco [whaaaa????] and I am so over it. I mean, I’m fucking 25 years old! [You GO, girl]
Okay – a lot of sketches of the three acts of my screenplay, now…hmm, wonder where that is…
April 2, 2003
A. the lesbian post-colonialism student doesn’t talk to me…I’m the only person she doesn’t talk to! I don’t care. [Um, yeah, right. Everybody has to like you] Whatever. I don’t have time for this. I’m a writer. She has to spend the rest of her career playing University politics and that’s her life and that’s just SAD. Maybe she’s depressed by that [So I guess it took less than a year to be so turned off by departmental politics that I no longer wanted to be a professor…]
Let’s find one more…these journals are dense, I think we’ll be spending quite some time with them before going to thirteen year old me…
Actually, a lot of these are about my panic attacks which maybe I’ll share but really ended up being from a food allergy…I didn’t know that at the time…but too depressing to end with on a Friday…
So, 2003 was basically a wash…my food allergy caused panic attacks and I spent most of the year writing about those…here’s a good entry to end on…
January 7, 2004
I spent seven days on the South Beach Diet and it was absolutely disgusting! I will lose this weight any ot her way but that! How can people eat all those eggs? Eggs! Eggs! Eggs! Puke!
I’m more productive if I spend time alone. [apparently, I feel no need for transitions while journaling!]I need to get better with the parts of life that require solitude. I think I’m better now than I used to be. I’m learning, at least, to accept solitude.
Zen me. I like her.
Happy Weekend, all!