I was tripping along beautifully through this new life of mine, remarking every few days or so how smoothly the whole transition had gone, how amazing it is to no longer drive much at all, how much I love this city, how serendipitous it is to just be me…and then Day Light Savings Time hit on Sunday.
Have you had a rough week? Because let me tell you, this time change, which has never really impacted me before, has me completely muddled. First of all, I am once again in the throes of one of my insomniac periods. I often go months without even the flicker of insomnia, always long enough to forget how bad these bouts actually are, and then find myself snared up in another one, left keening for the week before when I slept so well. This particular jag has lasted for six nights now, and I’ve hit the point where I have a low-grade headache all day and feel sort of doom and gloomy. I wish I had inherited my mother’s ability to sleep, instead of my father’s.
This in and of itself would be enough to work through but this time switch has done something to me, has put me all out of sorts, as I told my dad yesterday. He said both he and my mom feel the same way (and for the record S. has struggled with sleep this week as well) and their dogs are acting funky as well. In addition to the circumvention of my circadian rhythms, I don’t feel I’ve hit any sort of routine here yet…from chores to exercise to writing, to things I like to do online, to returning phone calls from friends – again, all out of sorts. I don’t yet have a computer routine or a yoga studio and I’m not as far on my novel as I intended to be by March. When I get like this – sleep deprived, out of sorts, muddled, this is sort of what it’s like to be in my head:
Hmm. Well. Lost another pound this week. Yay, weight watchers. But I’m hungry all the time lately, what’s wrong with me? Maybe I should add in activity points for all the walking, but then eventually my body will adjust to the exercise and I’ll just gain weight back. Maybe I’m hungry all the time because I’m not getting enough protein? What I really want to eat is meat, red meat, but I promised myself I would adhere to the Mediterranean guidelines of no more than twice a week, a serving the size of my palm. Then again, I’ve always been quite anemic, so maybe I NEED to eat more meat? I’m hungry! But maybe I should try upping my water intake this week…hold the fucking phone, there are WHAT in my tap water? Antibiotics and sex hormones and ante-depressants? So gross. So so so so so so gross. ( I don’t know how you do your job on a daily basis, my mother says at one point this week. You are so easily disgusted) Screw my commitment to the environment! I am buying bottled water – bottled EXPENSIVE artesian water and never looking back. I work. I earn good money. I do not have to drink water with drugs in it! (This, says a science friend I know, is the worst thing I could do – bottled water is in fact much worse for the environment than drinking tap water is for me, tra la, back to tap) I don’t really get disgusted easily, I don’t think. My mom is wrong about that! She never has understood me. It’s one thing entirely to work to understand cancer research and another entirely to put sex-hormone riddled water in my body. Of course, this week has been overwhelming – I wonder yet if they realize they hired someone totally incompetent and overwhelmed by the work? I’m never going to be good at this job. Never ever ever ever. Everyone else is so smart, so glamorous, and then there’s me. I’d probably really better finish my novel and try to sell it before I get fired. God, I’m tired. And if I work on my novel, when will I blog? If I blog, when will I read my personal email? The laundry sure is piling up, and I need to sweep the floors…I wonder where S. and i will go to dinner this weekend? And I should go back to church, finally. Also I need to finish putting my photos in albums…I’m such a housekeeping slut. I’m just a loser. I can’ t keep the house clean. I’m going to get fired from my job because I’m not glamorous and smart. I don’t know whether to blog or work on my novel, work on my novel or do the laundry, do the laundry or buy groceries, buy groceries or read, read or read the dozen newspapers I should be reading, read the dozen newspapers I should be reading or call my friends whom I don’t talk to because I can’t DEAL with email anymore, talk to my friends or catch up on facebook, catch up on facebook or finally attack my mfa manuscript, finally attack my mfa manuscript or paint my toe nails, paint my toe nails or go to yoga (god! I can’t go to yoga with my crappy toe nails. And, god again – that is SO not the point of yoga!! I’m totally missing the point of my practice if I’m worried about my feet!) and, damn, the whole world is just closing in on me…
Yep, that’s sort of what it’s like to be in my insomniac head right now. But, the one cool thing about growing older, is before, when this kind of thinking threatened to take over, I would allow it to paralyze me, to completely interrupt my life. Yesterday, before S. arrived from Detroit last night, I stopped everything. First, I read a chapter of my book. Then I went for a long walk, beginning with one of my favorite streets in the neighborhood. Then I came home, made a tuna sandwich (tuna, kalamata olives, mozzy cheese,artichoke hearts) and a martini, and read blogs until S. arrived. I didn’t sweep. I didn’t do the laundry. I didn’t check my work email. I just stopped. And last night I slept a bit better – not great, mind you, but a little better. I had a couple of dreams. And this morning, the headache is ebbing away, and the coffee is waking me up instead of sending me into panic land. And I am blogging. And I feel like things will get done…they always do.
I am a creature of habit, like so many of us. And I don’t yet have habits here. This lack of habits, combined with this absurdly early day light savings time, combined with feeling sort of lonely ( a natural state when one moves one’s entire life, and a state I don’t worry about) has me muddled.
Okay, that’s it for this Friday. I hope you all are well. If this time change has got you muddled, you have company. If it hasn’t, can you please share your secret? And if you know any good tips for breaking the insomnia jags, I would greatly appreciate them!